An outpour of emotions.

Today is just once of those days that you feel the need to be lonely and sad, to deal with your emotions that you always try to push aside just so you can get through the days that has yet to come. Trying to bring normalcy shouldn't be a job, it should come naturally as possible but tell me how? Having put up our baby boy's nursery, buying clothings and other baby stuffs ought to bring happiness and excitement to a soon to be mommy like me. But again I ask myself how? When often times it feels like a waiting game for you.

How could this be happening? My baby doesn't deserve to have DORV, no babies deserve to battle  with CHD. It just doesn't seem fair, it's just too much... It pains me so much whenever I talk to my little one inside of me and ask him... beg him... "Please be okay, please be strong... fight for mommy". You do your best to be optimistic, you hold on to your faith but undeniably there would be times that things would get to you.

Other expectant moms are just worrying on having to safely deliver but expectant moms like me worries about more than two things at the same time. I worry about the whole process of giving birth, I worry about my baby boy and I worry about the things that comes next after he is born. I just want my baby to be okay, I just want to be able to take care of him and to see him grow up.. Am I asking for too much?

We go through life taking things for granted, I myself is guilty of that.. I have not been the best daughter, I have not been the best sister to my siblings, I have not been the best aunt to my nieces and nephews, I have not been the best friend I can be to my friends and I may not be the best partner to him but I want to be given a lifetime with my son so I can be the best mom that I can possibly be..

I have never thought to blog about my unborn child's condition by which I know the other heart moms out there would understand. I myself believes that every pregnancy should be a happy and exciting one, it shouldn't be filled with fears or worries but things doesn't always turn out the way it should be and life hands you with a life shattering news that sometimes leaves you in an in denial state of mind and leaves you crumbling to the grounds. But this shouldn't be the case, at one point you have to toughen up, face the world and fight for your little one. So here I am sharing my story that has yet to begun.

My name is Emmary but everybody calls me Ems, I am now 32 weeks pregnant with my baby boy which we would be naming his Chance, which some people find quite odd. We decided to name him Chance because it was an unexpected pregnancy but please don't get me wrong. Unexpected is different from unwanted. I was not supposed to be pregnant yet as I was on contraceptives shot, with the hope that when we decide to have a child we would be prepared for and be able to provide the best for our child but Chance beat the odds and I was already four months along when we found. There was no symptoms whatsoever and it came to us a shock at first which turned to excitement. I thought the shock would end there...

On the 5th month of my pregnancy I was scheduled for a Congenital Anomaly Scan a procedure where pregnant women are familiar with by now to check for possible birth defects. It was a 45 minute procedure which started as a happy one because for the first time you get to see your little one inside and the time we learned we were gonna be having a BABY BOY.  But something wasn't right. The perinatologist kept on going back to my baby's heart, excused herself for a minute and came back with a colleague whom checked my baby's heart as well. Then and there they told us to consider DORV or DOUBLE OUTLET RIGHT VENTRICLE. I had no clue what DORV was then but I was certain about one thing, something is wrong with my baby's heart.    


We went to see my OB gyne afterwards and she was already informed about the result of my scan. I love her to bits and pieces as she was very optimistic. She referred us to see a pediatric cardiologist to have a fetal 2d echo to confirm and so we did. The fetal 2D echo showed the same results and it was just heartbreaking. I couldn't talk, I didn't want to talk... I was on the verge of tears. It was a quiet 1 and a half hour trip for me and Irving on our way back home. By the time we got home I was still holding back tears and I am close to breaking down. I know my partner was trying his best to put on a brave face for my sake. I waited and waited until he fell asleep so I could sneak out to the other bedroom and there I cried and was shaking uncontrollably. Somehow in his sleep he sensed I wasn't next to him and he found me crying and I couldn't stop myself anymore. He told me to be strong, to stop crying as it wouldn't do anything good for the baby and we'll do the best we can... We'll get through this.


Each day has been filled with worries and fears but each day you become stronger as well. You go and seek a second opinion, you plan for his arrival, you do your research about DORV and find out every bit of information you can get and you look for emotional support. You try to find comfort and hope from other people.. Through all of this, I have come to realize that I am not alone and that our hearts will be united and broken hearts will be mended.

Stefanie, I am blessed that I came across your blog and to all the families out there battling CHD I know we can beat it all.